When the sun comes up, you'd better be running.
Gazelle or lioness? Why her brain fights every change
The moment she decides to change something, her brain switches on its survival mode. And survival mode doesn't want to change anything. It scares her, pulls her back into her comfort zone, gets her to put it off, and uses her old failures against her. The bigger the change, the bigger the resistance. The way through: she gets to know who she really is, and who she wants to be. And she writes her life down, every day.
Okay, so. Every morning in Africa, out on the savanna, a gazelle wakes up and a lioness wakes up. The gazelle gets up, brushes her teeth, and starts running. Why? Because she knows that if she doesn't start running, the lioness will come and eat her.
That same morning, the lioness gets up too. She gets herself together, brushes her teeth, has a cup of coffee, and starts running. Why? Because she knows that if she doesn't start running, she won't catch the gazelle.
So both of them get up in the morning and run. The gazelle is running away from something. The lioness is running after something. That's the story my book is named after.
Here's the thing, though. The moment your daughter starts running after something, something happens in her brain. If she doesn't pay attention to it, she probably won't survive the process. She'll go back to how things were before, and it'll sting twice as much. On this site the whole approach is called the Next Play Mindset: a simple way to decide what she wants, do the work, and believe she can get there.
1.Tell her the story
It doesn't matter whether she's the lioness or the gazelle. When the sun comes up, she'd better be running.
So when she gets up in the morning, she has a decision to make. Is she running to catch something, or running to get away from something? What does she want to be, a gazelle or a lioness?
That question is the first thing on her page at the bottom of this post. One question, every morning, before she does anything else.
2.Name what her brain is doing
The moment she defines what she wants to do, be and have, and that means some kind of change, her brain switches on its survival mode.
And survival mode doesn't want to change anything. Change means risk. Risk is not its thing.
Here are 6 ways her brain resists a change of direction. (There are more.) These are the thoughts and feelings it sends her when this happens.
- It scares her, big time. "If you do that, you'll probably die."
- It pulls her back into her comfort zone. "This isn't comfortable. This isn't fun. So I don't want to."
- It gets her to put it off. "What? Your friends are going out, so why wouldn't you? There's always tomorrow."
- It uses her failures. "You failed once or twice. That's it, no chance. Give up now."
- It turns up the difficulty. "Wow, this is so hard. There's no way you're pulling this off."
- It messes with her feelings. "Oh, you're happy now? I think I'd rather you were sad."
3.Expect a bigger fight for a bigger change
The bigger the change she wants to make, the bigger the resistance from her brain.
It's the brain's survival instinct, and it got wired in way back, millions of years ago, when we were still cavemen. Back then, a caveman had plenty of things around him that could actually kill him. Our daily struggle is surviving without Wi-Fi, or when the phone dies.
So the brain's resistance to change doesn't make a whole lot of sense, especially since the change she wants to make is for her own good. Decide what she wants, act in that direction, believe she'll get there. Simple to understand. Pretty hard to do.
4.Help her know herself
First thing I'd tell her to do: get to a place where she knows who she really is. Actually know herself.
Know what she wants. Know what she loves. Know her weaknesses and her strengths. Know what lights her up, what scares her, and what shuts her down. Know what gets her moving and what gets her stuck. Know what makes her feel good and what makes her feel not so good.
And on top of that, it matters a lot to know who she wants to be. What the best version of her looks like. Because that's where she's aiming.
5.Have her write her life down, every day
Her thoughts, her feelings, whatever she went through that day. In a way that makes sense to her, in some kind of notebook or journal.
It helps her understand who she is, and what she needs to learn, think, feel and do to move toward the best version of her. Because once it's written down, she can always go back, read it, and understand herself a little better.
The story she tells herself about herself is what will decide, in the end, who she becomes and how she lives. That story should be true, honest, and fit who she is now and who she wants to be.
For her: gazelle or lioness?
One printable page. The morning question for each day of the week, her "know yourself" list, and one line: the story she tells herself about herself. Letter size.
Before you talk to her
Our brains are built to resist change. Automatically. Doesn't matter what change. That's why most people would rather keep things the way they are, stay in their comfort zone, and not wake up the part of the brain that fights every change on sight.
What she says, and what you can say back
Every answer here comes from the 6 ways in my book, said the way I'd say them out loud.
| When she says | You can say |
|---|---|
| "This is so hard. There's no way." | "That's your brain turning up the difficulty. It does that with every change." |
| "I failed before. What's the point?" | "That's your brain using your failures. Today, are you running after something, or away from something?" |
| "It's not comfortable." | "That's your brain pulling you back into your comfort zone." |
| "I'll start tomorrow." | "That's your brain getting you to put it off. When the sun comes up, you'd better be running." |
Confidence is a need, not a bonus
Those thoughts she sometimes has about herself, that she's not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough. They come from a basic human need: the need to feel more sure of herself. Confidence plays a part in almost every area of her life. It's not optional.
So if she wants to feel confident, she has to give herself the things that build that feeling. Which means, again, work. Thinking.
Questions parents ask
Why does she quit every new habit?
The moment she sets a change, her brain switches on its survival mode. And survival mode doesn't want to change anything. Change means risk. Risk is not its thing.
Is it her fault?
It's the brain's survival instinct. It got wired in way back, millions of years ago, when we were still cavemen. Our brains are built to resist change. Automatically.
What helps the most?
Knowing who she really is and who she wants to be. And writing her life down, every day.
Is this for boys too?
Yes. Every brain resists change. The book is for all the girls, at every age. And for the boys too.
From Gazelle to Lioness
The gazelle and the lioness are where my book gets its name. Decide what you want. Act in that direction. Believe you'll get there. It's written to her, the way I talk to my own players, and it works like a workbook. There are tasks.
Free: The Next Play Mini Journal
By the end of the week she has closed the last game with a clear head, picked one thing to work on at practice, and written her plan for the next one. Seven pages, one a day, five minutes a day, written by Coach Isaac in the same words he uses with his own players.
- Day 1, The Reset. Tonight, before she goes to sleep. Three slow breaths, one honest sentence about what happened, a name for the feeling, and the one thing this game is teaching her. Then she closes the game. Tomorrow is a different page.
- Day 2, The Tape. The next morning. Coaches watch the tape the next day, never the same night, because the same night you only see the mistakes. The next day you see the whole game, including what she did right.
- Day 3, My Why. When the why is strong, the how gets easier. She writes down why she plays, clearly enough to say it out loud.
- Day 4, One Focus. She knows what to fix and why it matters. Now she turns it into one small thing she can do at practice this week, and repeats it. That's how real improvement works.
- Day 5, Winter. A sports season works like the seasons of the year, and game season is winter. You can't cancel winter. What you can do is get better at it: stronger physically, stronger mentally, stronger with your feelings.
- Day 6, Believe. Belief isn't magic. It's what she says to herself, over and over, until it's what she thinks. On this page she writes her own lines instead of the ones other people put in her head.
- Day 7, Next Play. Her game plan for the next game. Eyes forward. The season only moves in one direction.
It's free. Leave your email, and the download opens right away, in Letter and A4.
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Based on chapter 8 of From Gazelle to Lioness by Coach Isaac, the chapter the book is named after.