Open a big umbrella.
Afraid of messing up: fear of criticism in young athletes
Fear of criticism is part of the fear of rejection. It probably comes from the urge people have to criticize each other, and her wish to belong pushes her to do what everyone else is doing. Most of the time there's no truth in it. Criticism doesn't reflect what she did. It only reflects how the critic sees it. So she does what she can, fixes the small mistakes, and lets the rest slide off.
Okay, so. If you ask me, fear of rejection is the biggest fear there is among teenage girls. (Boys too.) Fear of criticism is part of it.
When she learns to handle it the right way, everything gets a lot easier. Suddenly nobody has that kind of power over how she feels. Suddenly she's not stuck in a conversation worrying about what to say. And what matters isn't what others think of her. It's what she thinks of herself.
Dealing with this fear lets her move toward her goals faster. It's part of the Method. On this site it's called the Next Play Mindset: a simple way to decide what she wants, do the work, and believe she can get there.
1.Admit the fear
As they say, half the way to solving a problem is admitting there is one.
She doesn't need to be embarrassed to admit to herself that she has this fear. Almost everyone in the world is afraid of rejection. The trick is to learn how to handle it, and to turn its volume down to a level where it doesn't get in the way of her goals.
And she shouldn't beat herself up, or get mad at herself, because she's scared. There's no point. I want her to set herself apart from most people by being one of the few who actually admit they feel this fear. Then she does what it takes to get better at handling it.
2.Know the signs
Fear of criticism can show up in all kinds of ways.
Here are the ones I list in the book. Hesitating. Being slow to make decisions. Trouble saying what she thinks. Trying to impress people. Being fake in conversations. Dropping a task because people pushed back. Shyness. "What will they say about me." Taking what people say as the truth. Thinking people are thinking about her, when they really aren't.
This fear kills her creativity and her uniqueness. It hurts her confidence, and it takes away her initiative and her imagination.
3.Ask the three questions
When she's in one of those moments where she gets rejected, she asks herself three questions.
- Did I do something that doesn't represent who I am?
- Am I chasing someone who doesn't want me, but wants some kind of act?
- Am I willing to fake it for someone?
She answers honestly. It may very well be that she did do something that doesn't represent who she is. If so, she writes down what she did, and decides whether she's okay continuing to do it, or whether she'd rather act in a way that's more real and honest with herself.
Once the answer to every one of these questions is no, her fear of rejection gets a lot weaker. She'll feel much more comfortable, and free to walk up to the people she wants in her life.
For her: the three questions
One printable page for the next time she feels rejected or criticized. What her body is doing, the three questions, and one decision in writing. Letter size.
4.Open a big umbrella
Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: "Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway."
She also said that if you stand out from the people around you, you'll always be under the eye of the critics, so you'd better get used to the idea. Do your best, then open a big umbrella and let the rain of criticism slide right off it. Don't let it run down your neck.
Yes, there's criticism. But it's not a true compass for what's actually going on. It doesn't reflect what she did. It only reflects how the critic sees it. That's why I call it a fake fear. Most of the time, there's no truth in it.
One more rule from the book: treat criticism as a compliment in disguise. It could simply be that the other side is jealous.
5.Ask for honest criticism herself
She does what she can, and then she's ready to take criticism for it. She just doesn't let it affect her too much.
Then she checks herself. She makes sure she did what she could, fixes the small mistakes, and asks for honest, constructive criticism herself. Here's the homework I give my players: pick one person you trust, ask them for honest, constructive criticism on one thing you're working on, and fix the small mistakes.
And the last rule. She makes a decision not to worry about what other people think and say, and she makes it in writing. What other people think and say about her is none of her business.
Before you talk to her
Everyone has the ability to criticize someone else. It usually comes from the people closest to a kid, the ones who can hand her an inferiority complex from a young age with too much criticism. You can do the same. Or not.
What she says, and what you can say back
Every answer here is a line from the book, from the chapter on fear of rejection and fear of criticism. The last one is Eleanor Roosevelt's.
| When she says | You can say |
|---|---|
| "What will they say about me?" | "What other people think and say about you is none of your business." |
| "They criticized me." | "It doesn't reflect what you did. It only reflects how the critic sees it." |
| "Nobody's going to like me." | "Did you do something that doesn't represent who you are?" |
| "Whatever I do, they'll criticize me." | "Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway." |
One sentence, no story
Tim Grover, who trained Michael Jordan, writes in Relentless about how the best handle a mistake. They admit it in one sentence, with no story and no excuse. In his view that's the fastest way to take the pressure off yourself, because as long as you deny it, you're also carrying the job of covering it up. He doesn't buy the idea of a "clutch gene" either. There's preparation, and there's another chance.
Questions parents ask
Is this just shyness?
Fear of criticism can show up in all kinds of ways. Shyness is one of them. So is dropping a task because people pushed back.
Should she ignore all criticism?
No. She does what she can, checks herself, fixes the small mistakes, and asks for honest, constructive criticism herself. What she lets go of is the worry about what other people think and say.
Is everyone afraid of this?
Almost everyone in the world is afraid of rejection, and fear of criticism is part of it. If someone isn't, something in their social life is probably not working.
Is this for boys too?
Yes. Fear of rejection is the biggest fear among teenage girls, and boys too. The book is for all the girls, at every age. And for the boys too.
Game Day Journal Pages
For game days, there's a set of pages in my shop. Two minutes before each game: one focus she controls. Three honest minutes after: three wins and one thing to work on next. An effort score, not the scoreboard. And The Reset: a 5-step routine for tough games and big mistakes.
Free: The Next Play Mini Journal
By the end of the week she has closed the last game with a clear head, picked one thing to work on at practice, and written her plan for the next one. Seven pages, one a day, five minutes a day, written by Coach Isaac in the same words he uses with his own players.
- Day 1, The Reset. Tonight, before she goes to sleep. Three slow breaths, one honest sentence about what happened, a name for the feeling, and the one thing this game is teaching her. Then she closes the game. Tomorrow is a different page.
- Day 2, The Tape. The next morning. Coaches watch the tape the next day, never the same night, because the same night you only see the mistakes. The next day you see the whole game, including what she did right.
- Day 3, My Why. When the why is strong, the how gets easier. She writes down why she plays, clearly enough to say it out loud.
- Day 4, One Focus. She knows what to fix and why it matters. Now she turns it into one small thing she can do at practice this week, and repeats it. That's how real improvement works.
- Day 5, Winter. A sports season works like the seasons of the year, and game season is winter. You can't cancel winter. What you can do is get better at it: stronger physically, stronger mentally, stronger with your feelings.
- Day 6, Believe. Belief isn't magic. It's what she says to herself, over and over, until it's what she thinks. On this page she writes her own lines instead of the ones other people put in her head.
- Day 7, Next Play. Her game plan for the next game. Eyes forward. The season only moves in one direction.
It's free. Leave your email, and the download opens right away, in Letter and A4.
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Based on chapter 9 of From Gazelle to Lioness by Coach Isaac, where the Eleanor Roosevelt line is quoted. Tim Grover's view on owning a mistake and on the "clutch gene" is from Relentless.